~LYMEMOMMIES~: ~LYMEMOMMIES~: WALKING INTO THE FIRE~

~LYMEMOMMIES~: ~LYMEMOMMIES~: WALKING INTO THE FIRE~

"FRUSTRATED!"

    I know it has been a long time since I last wrote to you all, and I apologize.  I have taken a few steps back in the way I have been feeling.  As you know, with Lyme Disease this does not necessarily  mean that this is a bad thing.  I cannot believe it has almost been one year of PICC lines and Bicillin injections, two different oral antibiotics and two holistic antibiotics.  I have to say I am completely physically depleted.  I am starting to get angry at my body for not getting better!  I get so frustrated.  Then I go to scared and then depressed.  I get depressed because I really miss "special" moments with my son and husband.  Example:  Last evening it is 7:00 PM, I am in bed and in to much pain to get up.  This I can handle.  What made me sad (and happy at the same time), was hearing my son and husband laughing and playing  and as badly as I want to jump up and be part of it all, I only feel the hot tears streaming from my eyes.  Then I wanted to ask God, "Why God why?", "When God when".  I then remembered something I had heard from a very wise women.  I realized I was asking the wrong questions.  God does not need to answer me, because frankly it is none of my business.  Instead of "When will it get better for me?", "Why me?", I should be just asking God for strength and TRUSTING him and knowing he will not give me more then I can handle.  This is all happening for a reason, and I will come out stronger, with more gratitude, and in a position to realize what my "Life Purpose" is.  I should read my own blog with the title, "SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE".  Soooooooo, for now is my struggle. XO~

~I HAVE NOT LEFT YOU!!!!!~

I will be back writing my blog very soon!!!!!!

~LYMEMOMMIES~: ~LYMEMOMMIES~: Patience & Perseverance

~LYMEMOMMIES~: ~LYMEMOMMIES~: Patience & Perseverance: ~LYMEMOMMIES~: Patience & Perseverance : These are the two qualities that I need to master in order for me to have the hope to press on. I ...

Patience & Perseverance

These are the two qualities that I need to master in order for me to have the hope to press on.  I have to remember that slow and steady wins the race.  It would also help me know for certain that I will reach the finish line.  I am the type of person that does not like to wait for things.  I have worked full time in spas and salons since the age of sixteen.  I lived on my own right after High School, and paid the rent.  I would set a goal and know for sure I would reach that goal without waiting too long.  This is my 6th trip around with Lyme disease, so in the past I knew what needed to happen in order to get me to a remission.  This time was no different.   I read the stats also, but am realizing there is no certainty when it comes to this illness.  I am getting so weary because I am feeling that these statistics are just a comfort food for an uncertain tomorrow.   I am so greatful for my faith in God, because I know he is changing this around to teach me a lesson that I have zero control over this.  and I have to put it in his hands and trust him in order to get well.  Even  though my pain is almost unbearable, when it is  all over and I am well, I can come to a deeper understanding of other people who are suffering Chronic Lyme disease. With this deep understanding I can help them. This all means I have to perfect the practice, PATIENCE & PERSEVERANCE!!!

Gratatude

I have to say Lyme disease is one evil illness. It not only makes you sick, it also plays with mind like nothing I have ever experienced. I am going to be REALLY honest. This week has been so awful that I considered taking my own life. I did not want my son to see me crying and screaming because of the pain I was in, and I felt such guilt that I could not "parent" him, I thought we might all be better off. I was telling him things like, "always stay sweet", "remember how much I love you",ect. I am telling you these spirocyets are so strong that once they are in your brain,(which in my case they are) there is no telling what they will do. I was not wondering "Why me", just much I more I could stand. Now for the past two weeks it has been like this, and today I am able to write this blog. I do not know how long I will feel this sane, but I don't want to be afraid of this disease. Truth be told,I am. Soooooo.......right now, second by second I am practicing GRATATUDE.

"WHY ME ?"...Don't Even Ask The Question

Well,why not me? Yes, it is a cruel and crude answer to the question of suffering, but you have to admit that asking "Why me?"is not going to bring any profitable answers,either. I refuse to even entertain thoughts that God or life is out to punish me and that i deserve to have Lyme disease. I am going to forget the thought that this was supposed to happen to me and that I can somehow change life's rules about fairness. Instead of comparing myself to my healthy neighbor,and asking, "Why me?", I am going to mentally jump on a plane to Rwanda,have a look at the sick children there and perhaps I won't feel as though I have been singled out for such agony! While weddings and holidays are spectacular occasions to notice how much better off friends and family are then myself, I should stop trying to push myself to go and lay low until things are better. I will at least counter the envy with a visit to the BBC newspage,where I can see that it is not just only me who has been served a hefty handful of hardship. Yes my pain is valid, but asking "Why me?"creates martyrdom that puts me in the victim seat and keeps me from moving forward. Even if I knew the answer, it would not get me any further along in my healing journey. I am going to allow myself to be okay with being chosen for this trial. This does not mean that I have to resign myself to it or love being here: it simply means that I accept that life can be unfair and tragic. I am just embracing the idea of the greater good that can come out of this experience with Lyme disease. So,by not asking myself, "Why me?", I can move onward in my healing journey and help others.