Friday, November 4, 2011
~LYMEMOMMIES~: ~LYMEMOMMIES~: Patience & Perseverance: ~LYMEMOMMIES~: Patience & Perseverance : These are the two qualities that I need to master in order for me to have the hope to press on. I ...
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
I have to say Lyme disease is one evil illness. It not only makes you sick, it also plays with mind like nothing I have ever experienced. I am going to be REALLY honest. This week has been so awful that I considered taking my own life. I did not want my son to see me crying and screaming because of the pain I was in, and I felt such guilt that I could not "parent" him, I thought we might all be better off. I was telling him things like, "always stay sweet", "remember how much I love you",ect. I am telling you these spirocyets are so strong that once they are in your brain,(which in my case they are) there is no telling what they will do. I was not wondering "Why me", just much I more I could stand. Now for the past two weeks it has been like this, and today I am able to write this blog. I do not know how long I will feel this sane, but I don't want to be afraid of this disease. Truth be told,I am. Soooooo.......right now, second by second I am practicing GRATATUDE.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Well,why not me? Yes, it is a cruel and crude answer to the question of suffering, but you have to admit that asking "Why me?"is not going to bring any profitable answers,either. I refuse to even entertain thoughts that God or life is out to punish me and that i deserve to have Lyme disease. I am going to forget the thought that this was supposed to happen to me and that I can somehow change life's rules about fairness. Instead of comparing myself to my healthy neighbor,and asking, "Why me?", I am going to mentally jump on a plane to Rwanda,have a look at the sick children there and perhaps I won't feel as though I have been singled out for such agony! While weddings and holidays are spectacular occasions to notice how much better off friends and family are then myself, I should stop trying to push myself to go and lay low until things are better. I will at least counter the envy with a visit to the BBC newspage,where I can see that it is not just only me who has been served a hefty handful of hardship. Yes my pain is valid, but asking "Why me?"creates martyrdom that puts me in the victim seat and keeps me from moving forward. Even if I knew the answer, it would not get me any further along in my healing journey. I am going to allow myself to be okay with being chosen for this trial. This does not mean that I have to resign myself to it or love being here: it simply means that I accept that life can be unfair and tragic. I am just embracing the idea of the greater good that can come out of this experience with Lyme disease. So,by not asking myself, "Why me?", I can move onward in my healing journey and help others.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
How is it possible to be this sick? I am always afraid to go to the docters appointment that will review my latest blood work. This time was very strange. I was the one who requested that on top of all the other tests I wanted a Lyme test also. My docter who I adore, and of coarse had my previous blood work looked at me like, "Are you serious? Why?". It has been very odd. After all I have been through, and all that I know about Lyme Disease, I was in this stage of denile. I thought that mabey I did not have Lyme any longer, it was all in my head and I just needed to push myself harder. Well, how wrong I was. When I heard and saw the test results, I felt all the hope blow out of me. This is not the average Lyme test either! This test is only done by a lab called; IGENEX, Inc. in Palo Alto, CA. As explained, the lab tested me for the 10 strains of Lyme Disease. Well, not only do I have Lyme, I have ALL 10 strains! Three strains are the most dangerous, and I have them the worst!!!! What? How is this possible? I felt like a falure. I actually told my docter that I cannot be this sick because I have a little boy and a husband to take care of. I also told him how dissapponted I was in myself because latley I could only take a shower and then I am done for the day. Why can I not push through it anymore? He said,"Katie,you are a human being. You have nothing to use to push yourself with." Kind of like," You can't get blood from a stone." I am now realizing that I have to do what I am so scard and tired of. PIC LINE and ROSEPHEN we will meet again. This is the fifth time. I do not want to miss anymore of my life (during this time). Then I think to myself,"this is no way to live life." So I will do what I have to do. So into the fire I walk.