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Friday, October 12, 2012

THE MONSTER INSIDE ME!

    The monster I am speaking of is borrelia burgdorferi, a.k.a., Lyme disease.  It moved into my brain around 23 years ago.  That is alitte more then half of my life!  It comes to distort my thoughts and has me see a warped view of myself, others and life's circumstances.    Just as I think I am on my way to a remission, the monster jumps out and shout's, "BOO!".  This leads me paranoid over events that for healthy people, would of carried little or no emotional charge.  It takes me on wild rides of irrationality and rage.  It puts me on a merry-go-ride rounds of emotional up's and down's until I am sick to my stomach.  Because I have gotten to know this"monster", I know when it is ready to start stirring the pot.  Fortunately, all these years of treating my Lyme disease, I am really working on letting it become less influential in it's ability to take me on these rides.  I am also realizing that acting "tough" all the time, is not healthy.  Really bad trauma has set in because of this illness. I have to figure out a way to deal with this before any real  healing will begin.  I find myself telling people that the IM injections that I give myself   3x"s a week,( which entails  a 1and 1/2  inch gauge needle and medicine similar to an elmers glue type consistency) is no big deal. You know what???  It is a Really BIG DEALl!!!!  Quite honestly, I cry almost every time because of the pain.  All the blood tests and PICC lines and bone marrow tests, SPEC scanns of my brain, cardiologists reports and hospital stays can really make a person feel as though they are walking into a FUNHOUSE.   Let us not forget the waiting . Waiting for those results is sometimes just as hard as all the physical pain.  As I am dealing with these emotions, I am hoping the monster visits will become less frequent.  Also I am hoping with this brings a  reality of a more rational, kind world.   So, if sometimes you feel you"ve entered the Loony Toons theme park with a monster as your guide, take heart; your mind can heal as we treat our Lyme disease, and the beast will one day leave our brains for good.