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Saturday, October 13, 2012

Friday, October 12, 2012

THE MONSTER INSIDE ME!

    The monster I am speaking of is borrelia burgdorferi, a.k.a., Lyme disease.  It moved into my brain around 23 years ago.  That is alitte more then half of my life!  It comes to distort my thoughts and has me see a warped view of myself, others and life's circumstances.    Just as I think I am on my way to a remission, the monster jumps out and shout's, "BOO!".  This leads me paranoid over events that for healthy people, would of carried little or no emotional charge.  It takes me on wild rides of irrationality and rage.  It puts me on a merry-go-ride rounds of emotional up's and down's until I am sick to my stomach.  Because I have gotten to know this"monster", I know when it is ready to start stirring the pot.  Fortunately, all these years of treating my Lyme disease, I am really working on letting it become less influential in it's ability to take me on these rides.  I am also realizing that acting "tough" all the time, is not healthy.  Really bad trauma has set in because of this illness. I have to figure out a way to deal with this before any real  healing will begin.  I find myself telling people that the IM injections that I give myself   3x"s a week,( which entails  a 1and 1/2  inch gauge needle and medicine similar to an elmers glue type consistency) is no big deal. You know what???  It is a Really BIG DEALl!!!!  Quite honestly, I cry almost every time because of the pain.  All the blood tests and PICC lines and bone marrow tests, SPEC scanns of my brain, cardiologists reports and hospital stays can really make a person feel as though they are walking into a FUNHOUSE.   Let us not forget the waiting . Waiting for those results is sometimes just as hard as all the physical pain.  As I am dealing with these emotions, I am hoping the monster visits will become less frequent.  Also I am hoping with this brings a  reality of a more rational, kind world.   So, if sometimes you feel you"ve entered the Loony Toons theme park with a monster as your guide, take heart; your mind can heal as we treat our Lyme disease, and the beast will one day leave our brains for good.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

"FRUSTRATED!"

    I know it has been a long time since I last wrote to you all, and I apologize.  I have taken a few steps back in the way I have been feeling.  As you know, with Lyme Disease this does not necessarily  mean that this is a bad thing.  I cannot believe it has almost been one year of PICC lines and Bicillin injections, two different oral antibiotics and two holistic antibiotics.  I have to say I am completely physically depleted.  I am starting to get angry at my body for not getting better!  I get so frustrated.  Then I go to scared and then depressed.  I get depressed because I really miss "special" moments with my son and husband.  Example:  Last evening it is 7:00 PM, I am in bed and in to much pain to get up.  This I can handle.  What made me sad (and happy at the same time), was hearing my son and husband laughing and playing  and as badly as I want to jump up and be part of it all, I only feel the hot tears streaming from my eyes.  Then I wanted to ask God, "Why God why?", "When God when".  I then remembered something I had heard from a very wise women.  I realized I was asking the wrong questions.  God does not need to answer me, because frankly it is none of my business.  Instead of "When will it get better for me?", "Why me?", I should be just asking God for strength and TRUSTING him and knowing he will not give me more then I can handle.  This is all happening for a reason, and I will come out stronger, with more gratitude, and in a position to realize what my "Life Purpose" is.  I should read my own blog with the title, "SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE".  Soooooooo, for now is my struggle. XO~