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Friday, November 26, 2010

THE CYCLE

    First
let me say how sorry I am for not posting anything new for quite some time.  One thing about having Chronic Lyme Disease is extreme bouts of anxiety and depression.  For me this is a constant battle.  How these bouts usually begin for me is with a week or so of such body pain that I literally watch the hours go by on my clock, knowing that it has to end at some point.  After this I have about a week of such exhaustion, I do not even leave my bedroom.  Being a mother, this gives those nasty spirochetes some time to give me such a feeling of guilt which leads back around to anger.  That is where I have been.  I am going to be really honest here.  I know people who have have had spinal fusions to friends who have had horrible life long battles with arthritis, and there only way out was under the knife also.  While these people are so amazing and I really look up to them (Lorraine you are my hero!)  I also cannot imagine what they have had to deal with........WHY CAN I NOT HAVE SURGERY? WHY CAN I NOT HAVE THE LYME CUT OUT OF ME? I would gladly go through all the pain of recovering and then all the horrible physical therapy afterward. The reason I say this is, you know it is going to be hell, but there will be and end date.  I WANT AN END DATE!  WHERE IS MY END DATE!  I know that I cannot ever compare one illness to another, and I know I have never walked in their shoes and do not want to, but this is where those nasty spirochetes I spoke of earlier start to wreak havoc in my mind.  I am having a temper tantrum, and feeling sorry for myself.  I think this is ok once in a while, but there has to be and end.  So as I put my mind it a time out, I here the pitter patter of my sons feet who has just woken up.  He will be so happy to see his mommy out of bed, downstairs sitting at her desk trying to  do something to help others.  Love to all! XO.