~LYMEMOMMIES~: ~LYMEMOMMIES~: Patience & Perseverance

~LYMEMOMMIES~: ~LYMEMOMMIES~: Patience & Perseverance: ~LYMEMOMMIES~: Patience & Perseverance : These are the two qualities that I need to master in order for me to have the hope to press on. I ...

Patience & Perseverance

These are the two qualities that I need to master in order for me to have the hope to press on.  I have to remember that slow and steady wins the race.  It would also help me know for certain that I will reach the finish line.  I am the type of person that does not like to wait for things.  I have worked full time in spas and salons since the age of sixteen.  I lived on my own right after High School, and paid the rent.  I would set a goal and know for sure I would reach that goal without waiting too long.  This is my 6th trip around with Lyme disease, so in the past I knew what needed to happen in order to get me to a remission.  This time was no different.   I read the stats also, but am realizing there is no certainty when it comes to this illness.  I am getting so weary because I am feeling that these statistics are just a comfort food for an uncertain tomorrow.   I am so greatful for my faith in God, because I know he is changing this around to teach me a lesson that I have zero control over this.  and I have to put it in his hands and trust him in order to get well.  Even  though my pain is almost unbearable, when it is  all over and I am well, I can come to a deeper understanding of other people who are suffering Chronic Lyme disease. With this deep understanding I can help them. This all means I have to perfect the practice, PATIENCE & PERSEVERANCE!!!

Gratatude

I have to say Lyme disease is one evil illness. It not only makes you sick, it also plays with mind like nothing I have ever experienced. I am going to be REALLY honest. This week has been so awful that I considered taking my own life. I did not want my son to see me crying and screaming because of the pain I was in, and I felt such guilt that I could not "parent" him, I thought we might all be better off. I was telling him things like, "always stay sweet", "remember how much I love you",ect. I am telling you these spirocyets are so strong that once they are in your brain,(which in my case they are) there is no telling what they will do. I was not wondering "Why me", just much I more I could stand. Now for the past two weeks it has been like this, and today I am able to write this blog. I do not know how long I will feel this sane, but I don't want to be afraid of this disease. Truth be told,I am. Soooooo.......right now, second by second I am practicing GRATATUDE.

"WHY ME ?"...Don't Even Ask The Question

Well,why not me? Yes, it is a cruel and crude answer to the question of suffering, but you have to admit that asking "Why me?"is not going to bring any profitable answers,either. I refuse to even entertain thoughts that God or life is out to punish me and that i deserve to have Lyme disease. I am going to forget the thought that this was supposed to happen to me and that I can somehow change life's rules about fairness. Instead of comparing myself to my healthy neighbor,and asking, "Why me?", I am going to mentally jump on a plane to Rwanda,have a look at the sick children there and perhaps I won't feel as though I have been singled out for such agony! While weddings and holidays are spectacular occasions to notice how much better off friends and family are then myself, I should stop trying to push myself to go and lay low until things are better. I will at least counter the envy with a visit to the BBC newspage,where I can see that it is not just only me who has been served a hefty handful of hardship. Yes my pain is valid, but asking "Why me?"creates martyrdom that puts me in the victim seat and keeps me from moving forward. Even if I knew the answer, it would not get me any further along in my healing journey. I am going to allow myself to be okay with being chosen for this trial. This does not mean that I have to resign myself to it or love being here: it simply means that I accept that life can be unfair and tragic. I am just embracing the idea of the greater good that can come out of this experience with Lyme disease. So,by not asking myself, "Why me?", I can move onward in my healing journey and help others.

~LYMEMOMMIES~: WALKING INTO THE FIRE~

~LYMEMOMMIES~: WALKING INTO THE FIRE~

WALKING INTO THE FIRE~

    How is it possible to be this sick?  I am always afraid to go to the docters appointment that will review my latest blood work.  This time was very strange.  I was the one who requested that on top of all the other tests I wanted a Lyme test also.  My docter who I adore, and of coarse had my previous blood work looked at me like, "Are you serious? Why?".  It has been very odd.  After all I have been through, and all that I know about Lyme Disease, I was in this stage of denile.  I thought that mabey I did not have Lyme any longer, it was all in my head and I just needed to push myself harder.  Well, how wrong I was.  When I heard and saw the test results, I felt all the hope blow out of me.  This is not the average Lyme test either!  This test is only done by a lab called; IGENEX, Inc. in Palo Alto, CA.  As explained, the lab tested me for the 10 strains of Lyme Disease.  Well, not only do I have Lyme, I have ALL 10 strains!  Three strains are the most dangerous, and I have them the worst!!!! What? How is this possible? I felt like a falure.  I actually told my docter that I cannot be this sick because I have a little boy and a husband to take care of.  I also told him how dissapponted I was in myself because latley I could only take a shower and then I am done for the day.  Why can I not push through it anymore?  He said,"Katie,you are a human being.  You have nothing to use to push yourself with." Kind of like," You can't get blood from a stone."  I am now realizing that I have to do what I am so scard and tired of.  PIC LINE and ROSEPHEN we will meet again.  This is the fifth time.  I do not want to miss anymore of my life (during this time).  Then I think to myself,"this is no way to live life."  So I will do what I have to do.  So into the fire I walk.

THE CYCLE

    First
let me say how sorry I am for not posting anything new for quite some time.  One thing about having Chronic Lyme Disease is extreme bouts of anxiety and depression.  For me this is a constant battle.  How these bouts usually begin for me is with a week or so of such body pain that I literally watch the hours go by on my clock, knowing that it has to end at some point.  After this I have about a week of such exhaustion, I do not even leave my bedroom.  Being a mother, this gives those nasty spirochetes some time to give me such a feeling of guilt which leads back around to anger.  That is where I have been.  I am going to be really honest here.  I know people who have have had spinal fusions to friends who have had horrible life long battles with arthritis, and there only way out was under the knife also.  While these people are so amazing and I really look up to them (Lorraine you are my hero!)  I also cannot imagine what they have had to deal with........WHY CAN I NOT HAVE SURGERY? WHY CAN I NOT HAVE THE LYME CUT OUT OF ME? I would gladly go through all the pain of recovering and then all the horrible physical therapy afterward. The reason I say this is, you know it is going to be hell, but there will be and end date.  I WANT AN END DATE!  WHERE IS MY END DATE!  I know that I cannot ever compare one illness to another, and I know I have never walked in their shoes and do not want to, but this is where those nasty spirochetes I spoke of earlier start to wreak havoc in my mind.  I am having a temper tantrum, and feeling sorry for myself.  I think this is ok once in a while, but there has to be and end.  So as I put my mind it a time out, I here the pitter patter of my sons feet who has just woken up.  He will be so happy to see his mommy out of bed, downstairs sitting at her desk trying to  do something to help others.  Love to all! XO.