WALKING INTO THE FIRE~

    How is it possible to be this sick?  I am always afraid to go to the docters appointment that will review my latest blood work.  This time was very strange.  I was the one who requested that on top of all the other tests I wanted a Lyme test also.  My docter who I adore, and of coarse had my previous blood work looked at me like, "Are you serious? Why?".  It has been very odd.  After all I have been through, and all that I know about Lyme Disease, I was in this stage of denile.  I thought that mabey I did not have Lyme any longer, it was all in my head and I just needed to push myself harder.  Well, how wrong I was.  When I heard and saw the test results, I felt all the hope blow out of me.  This is not the average Lyme test either!  This test is only done by a lab called; IGENEX, Inc. in Palo Alto, CA.  As explained, the lab tested me for the 10 strains of Lyme Disease.  Well, not only do I have Lyme, I have ALL 10 strains!  Three strains are the most dangerous, and I have them the worst!!!! What? How is this possible? I felt like a falure.  I actually told my docter that I cannot be this sick because I have a little boy and a husband to take care of.  I also told him how dissapponted I was in myself because latley I could only take a shower and then I am done for the day.  Why can I not push through it anymore?  He said,"Katie,you are a human being.  You have nothing to use to push yourself with." Kind of like," You can't get blood from a stone."  I am now realizing that I have to do what I am so scard and tired of.  PIC LINE and ROSEPHEN we will meet again.  This is the fifth time.  I do not want to miss anymore of my life (during this time).  Then I think to myself,"this is no way to live life."  So I will do what I have to do.  So into the fire I walk.

THE CYCLE

    First
let me say how sorry I am for not posting anything new for quite some time.  One thing about having Chronic Lyme Disease is extreme bouts of anxiety and depression.  For me this is a constant battle.  How these bouts usually begin for me is with a week or so of such body pain that I literally watch the hours go by on my clock, knowing that it has to end at some point.  After this I have about a week of such exhaustion, I do not even leave my bedroom.  Being a mother, this gives those nasty spirochetes some time to give me such a feeling of guilt which leads back around to anger.  That is where I have been.  I am going to be really honest here.  I know people who have have had spinal fusions to friends who have had horrible life long battles with arthritis, and there only way out was under the knife also.  While these people are so amazing and I really look up to them (Lorraine you are my hero!)  I also cannot imagine what they have had to deal with........WHY CAN I NOT HAVE SURGERY? WHY CAN I NOT HAVE THE LYME CUT OUT OF ME? I would gladly go through all the pain of recovering and then all the horrible physical therapy afterward. The reason I say this is, you know it is going to be hell, but there will be and end date.  I WANT AN END DATE!  WHERE IS MY END DATE!  I know that I cannot ever compare one illness to another, and I know I have never walked in their shoes and do not want to, but this is where those nasty spirochetes I spoke of earlier start to wreak havoc in my mind.  I am having a temper tantrum, and feeling sorry for myself.  I think this is ok once in a while, but there has to be and end.  So as I put my mind it a time out, I here the pitter patter of my sons feet who has just woken up.  He will be so happy to see his mommy out of bed, downstairs sitting at her desk trying to  do something to help others.  Love to all! XO.

What I Think Some Parents Take For Granted.........

    The Guilt I feel for missing birthday parties, sight seeing trips, movies, and even if you can believe, "Mc Donalds Night", almost tosses me over the edge.  I HATE the fact that when my Lyme Disease is in a bad mood, and I am in so much pain that the tears running down my face feel like shards of glass ( usually with no notice at all), I miss these "Life Moments".  When I see some parents that are healthy make a conscious choice to miss these times.  These are some of the things I have heard with my own ears.  I'm not going because; "I am too tired", "I have to go grocery shopping", "I have to do the wash", and the worst of all is; "I just don't feel like going".  WHAT????  Our children are at an age where they want us to join them in these activites.   Don't they know that this is a very small window of time?  Soon they will want to do almost everything by themselves or with their friends.  Going with mommy and or daddy won't be "cool".  I would give years off my life not to miss any of these moments with my son.  I am always afraid he won't trust that his mother is a dependable person.  I cannot think of anything worse.  I am so afraid to let him down that I am afraid to make any fun plans at all.  I am angry at being at the whim of Chronic Lyme Disease.  I can never get that time with my child back. Because of this I am willing for the sixth time have a PIC line put in for the next six months.  I know it has to get worse before it get's better.  The strange thing with Lyme Disease is the worse it gets, the better your chance of getting a "remission" is.  So please, anyone who is a mostly"healthy" parent, don't worry about the wash or the cleaning, you will get it done.  Most of all, push yourselves a little harder to do as much with your children as possible.  You have no idea how very blessed you are.  I will admit, I am envious.

~LYMEMOMMIES~: My Wish

~LYMEMOMMIES~: My Wish: "I am so excited to be starting this blog! My wish is to not only show and tell about my journey with Chronic Lyme Disease and how it effect..."

My Wish

I am so excited to be starting this blog!  My wish is to not only show and tell about my journey with Chronic Lyme Disease and how it effects my relationships, especially with my beautiful son. My wish is also to connect with others, and build a trusting support group.  Let's get started!